
The following is a rather scratchy short story I wrote back when I was an undergraduate. I discovered it recently while cleaning out some laptop space. While the writing strikes me as somewhat sophomoric, I found myself pulled into this little outlet which housed the thoughts which were rushing around my head at that point in my life. I include it here for your perusal.
He really was too tall to be sitting at that desk. Inevitably, at some point during his workday, his thoughts drifted to that damn piece of furniture. How his lanky legs always bumped the drawer in the center of it, or if he tried to stretch them out, how the cheap piece of particleboard, which enclosed the front end of the desk would stunt his movement. He often dreamed of kicking that little board out, thus freeing the imprisoned tree trunks that grew off his torso. Deep down he knew he wouldn’t. Deep down he knew he didn’t want to draw any attention to himself. He supposed he was happier to talk to as few people as possible in that laptop infested maze of cubicles he dragged himself to every morning. Happy to be left alone and to leave the other zombies alone too. Make no mistake though, he wasn’t really happy. He would just be happier. But life wasn’t always like this. No, there was a time when he was happy—deliriously happy. His mind strained to try and recreate that period. He was younger then. Maybe just more immature. He had grown up now; he was a man. That childish happiness must have been part of another world, another place entirely.
He pulled his lanky frame out from under the desk and grudgingly pushed himself up slightly overusing the armrests of his chair for support. He was now on his feet—a flexible tower. Both of his legs had fallen slightly asleep in the course of the long hours he had spent staring blankly at his computer screen. This was routine. He would often spend hours at a time, unmoving and unmoved in his little workspace, hypnotizing himself with the glowing screen before him. But now he decided to break the mold (such as it was) and go for a walk. He needed air.
The elevator was crowded. He squeezed his thin body into the nooks and crannies between the other business-suit clad zombies and struggled not to make eye contact. You simply didn’t make eye contact with people on the elevator. Or on the street for that matter; or the subway really; just keep to yourself for Pete sake. The individualistic attitude, which was supposed to free us and make us more powerful as a society, had degenerated into merely making us alone. He was sick of it. Sick and tired. And damn it, it was time to do something about it. He turned his head to stare directly into the eyes of the man next to him. Perhaps out of shock, the young man next to him stared back. For a brief moment, two complete strangers peered into one another’s soul. Then habit kicked in. The young man next to him, clad in the cheap navy suit turned immediately away, embarrassed and surprised by himself at the same time. Their brief communion ended as abruptly as it began. The 20-floor trek downward ended at that moment and the passengers all exited, free to travel through the rest of their days safe in their individual little bubbles.
He found himself on the sidewalk in front of the behemoth glass and steel structure he spent his days in. A little fresh air. Very little. Even though he was outside now, he was suddenly overcome with a feeling of imprisonment. He felt trapped, as though the buildings, the traffic, dreary mid-morning sky were all closing in on him. He needed to sit down. He felt like someone was taking a hatchet to his tree-trunk legs. He realized they could no longer hold him. He sat down right there on the street corner, cars and taxis rushing by in front of him, people scurrying past in back of him. Distantly, he recalled words he had read long ago, was it Ansel Adams? “Migraine from looking up—Nausea from looking down—Total jitters from looking sideways. Noise, sweat, stink, more noise…”
He longed to touch the earth again. From where he sat, he could not see it; he could scarcely remember it. This place was not always his home. No, he had once felt at home in an entirely different world. He would awake in the mountains; he slept with the stars. He could feel his breath and sense his heartbeat. The daily fear that plagued him was non-existent in that place. Or perhaps it was merely a different form of fear—a healthy form. He once feared things that man was created to fear. Weather, wildlife, physical danger when pit against Mother Nature on a mountain, or a river, or a rock face. Man was not created to fear eye contact with another; to fear auto exhaust clogging his lungs; to fear walls of a cubicle closing in around him. “What the hell happened?” he thought, somewhat disjointedly.
This was not his home. This was not his misery. This was not who he was. He didn’t grow up a city boy; he grew up a mountain boy. He remembered back to the day he decided to leave Buena Vista, Colorado. He had gone to school in Boulder and had gotten a taste of life in a bigger town. It wasn’t long though before all his college friends complained constantly about their need to “get out of Boulder.” They argued that there was nothing to do there. Thinking back though, all they ever really did was go out to The Walrus and get drunk. There were others though, folks he knew outside of his usual, cynical circle of friends who seemed genuinely happy. They had something he and his friends did not. They enjoyed the outdoors—as he once did; they talked about art and beauty; they went to (gasp!) church. There was something about them though, that was just out of reach. Maybe it was simply laziness that prevented him from moving outside of himself; outside of his little selfish circle. But that was all in the past. When he graduated and moved back to Buena Vista, it all seemed so small; so backward. His parents seemed so far out of the loop. “Had they just settled,” he wondered, “for this little rustic, mountain town life? They could have been something! They were smart, well educated, motivated people. Why didn’t they get into business, enter the marketplace, make a name for themselves, get a TV for Pete sake?” Now, sitting on this lonely street corner, in the midst of a world of scared individuals, he began to wonder.
He pulled his expansive frame up off the concrete floor and looked around. Smoke, smog, soot, bleak, black, blah, bleh. He suddenly felt remarkably lonely. The weariness and fatigue he had felt just moments ago suddenly degenerated to heartsickness. It felt like a rock had slowly crept down his throat, struggled through his esophagus and into his stomach where it found its way to the pit and took up residence. He felt remarkably powerlessness to remove it.
He made his way south, or was it east? He couldn’t tell. He could never tell direction anymore. Back home, he used to read direction from the mountains; from the chartreuse sun setting over the San Juan peaks, spitting it’s fire far into the eastern sky in it’s final, triumphant cry for the day. Here, he was lucky if he ever saw the sun. Sure, you could usually tell vaguely where it was in the sky as its light and heat tried vainly to break through the cover of haze and fog and the soot from the smokestacks down at the harbor; but it seemed like it was a million miles away.
It was time to go. He realized that in his walking he had become slightly disoriented and lost his way. It didn’t matter. There was a subway stop. All lines eventually lead to the train station, he thought distantly. He boarded the proper train and found it even more congested than his elevator at work. He longed, like he’d never longed before for someone to make eye contact with him; for someone to know him; to want to see him for who he was. He wanted to rip off his overpriced wool suit, run to the park and swim across the lake, climb the rocks, lay in the grass.
As the subway jerked and lurched forward, his nausea was back. From that point on, his body acted mechanically. He didn’t think, didn’t feel, wasn’t even aware of his surroundings anymore. His movements, his decisions, actions, from that point on all happened subconsciously. His mind essentially shut down.
He awoke on a train chugging through Nebraska. He opened the window of his cabin and allowed his head to clear. He needed coffee. Strong coffee. It felt like a hangover, but a hangover that had built up from years of binge drinking the crowds, traffic and loneliness of his dead-end life. Over the next hours, he felt happier than he’d ever been. Nebraska–once the bein of his existence, as he was forced to endure its emptiness on family road trips–now delighted him with its vast expanses, rocky bluffs, golden corn and wheat fields that spread out before him like a life filled with possibility. He passed through the towns he had remembered from his youth. Those nowhere burgs nestled in their mediocrity of middle America.
It was like heaven.
He allowed himself to fall asleep again. He hadn’t slept this well in years. The chilly air rushing by outside his windows wafted into his nostrils like a thousand fields of lilies. Their soft lullaby whispered him gently to sleep.
In his sleep, he saw a little boy. The boy was crying because his toy sword was broken—lying in pieces at his feet. His eyes were old—much older than the boy’s young age—and filled with salty tears, which streamed down his face into the sand at his feet. His dream-self saw into the boy’s heart and witnessed the battle that had broken his spirit. The dragon had attacked. He spit his insults, spewed his lies and knocked the boy’s feet out from under him. These feet, these legs, the boy had thought were invincible. He had confidence in them. He could never have foreseen a broken marriage, a daughter who wouldn’t speak to him, a life full of fear. Fear that he would continue to fail. He was like the antithesis of Midas. Everything he touched turned to crap. Sure, he had a beautiful apartment, an SUV twice as big as the other puny cars on the road, over a dozen women at his beck and call if he ever wanted them, but now, the thought of all of it made him recoil in disgust. He didn’t trust those things. He felt cold in his apartment, like a stranger to himself when he was with those women. Where had his trust gone? Was it his parents he had lost trust in? No, it was something else. Something far deeper.
He awoke to the soft morning sun glimmering off the tall, rocky crags, through the cabin window and onto his eyelids. As the Collegiate Peaks danced with the morning light, he knew he was home. He knew that the spring wildflowers would be peeking their heads out all through the valley; that the Arkansas River would be flowing high with the spring runoff; that the small clouds over Mount Yale would yield to mighty thunderheads by this afternoon.
He disembarked from the train and gazed up at the wooden “Buena Vista” sign that had spent its years greeting weary travelers and becoming worn with age. He had nothing with him but the suit on his back and his own weary legs. No one knew he was here; no one greeted him or waited to give him a ride. As the rest of the passengers shared hugs and kisses and stories with anxious loved ones, he began the walk toward town alone, feeling deliriously happy. The sun was warm and he could hear the river rushing below; its crashing waves punctuated by the happy screams of children playing at its shores. Children. Had he been one of those once?
As he made his way toward his childhood home on 3rd street, he passed St. Rita’s Catholic Church. Something made him stop. He was staring up at the less than aesthetically pleasing façade when something told him to look down. At his feet, in the gutter, mud-smattered and faded with rain and sun, he saw a toy sword. It was cracked at the base but still held together, though only by a thread. He bent down, picked it up. He turned it over and over again in his hands and marveled at it. He set his face and walked slowly up the dusty, tree-lined street, happy and relieved to be home again.